This is just... completely not me. I think about food all the damn time. If I don't plan my meals or look at menus ahead of time, I get anxious. And then I question myself: Is this healthy behavior? Am I giving myself an eating disorder (beyond what I'm already dealing with)?
And is it okay to plan and count calories when I am actively trying to lose weight? It's better to do that than remain obese and unhealthy, right? (Please keep in mind that obese and unhealthy are NOT synonymous. *I* was obese and unhealthy. But one can be unhealthy at any weight, and one can be obese and be otherwise extremely healthy. I am talking only about my personal experience.)
I'm trying to practice moderation, but it's hard for me. I am a volume eater, and tend to have very black-and-white reactions to things: it's all or nothing. If I'm going to eat chocolate, I'm going to eat an entire bar or a handful of Hershey's Kisses. None of this "oh just one or two" stuff. Like everything in my life, I do it whole hog and go all out. No half-assing it here.
On a completely unrelated note, I am completely insecure in how I look right now. Yesterday I had a full-blown meltdown over it. I was wearing grey jeans, a black V-neck t-shirt, and Converse sneakers. Two, three, four months ago, this outfit would have looked fine. But since I've started running, my lower body has been shrinking RAPIDLY. Less than a month ago, I bought three pairs of size 18 pants. They are all too big now to the point where I had to buy a belt this weekend. My 2X shirts are billowy now, and men's XL t-shirts are rapidly approaching that point.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom and promptly lost my shit. I looked terrible. My jeans were too big, too baggy, my shirt made me look huge. I looked frumptastic. I looked like the frumpiest frump who ever frumped, and I didn't even have silver sandals on or horizontal stripes or a Davidson visor.
Anyway, the point of this blathering on and on is that none of my clothes fit, and I can't go dropping $50 every time I want to buy something that fits. I'm going to do a major closet clean-out next weekend, but I'd really prefer not to live in elastic waist pants for the next several months while I continue losing weight.