Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Technical Difficulties

I have no idea why everything has disappeared from my blog.

What the heck is going on?

Friday, October 4, 2013

On 55 pounds lost.

This morning I weighed in at 204.6. According to my MFP sidebar, that puts me at 56 pounds lost.

Things that have changed since I have lost 55 pounds:

  • I can shop at straight-sized stores again (though I don't really have the money to do so at the moment)
  • I don't automatically hate every picture I see of myself
  • My butt looks FANTASTIC from running (even if I've been majorly slacking lately)
  • I don't feel like I am being judged for eating in public as much as I used to
  • I'm not tired all the time
  • My back doesn't hurt when I wake up in the morning
  • Climbing a flight of stairs is nothing
  • I'm getting positive attention from men and have been dating
  • My grocery bill is lower because I buy fresh things and eat them before they go bad
  • I sleep more soundly
  • I feel more confident in general

Hand on the hip is surprisingly flattering. Too bad I don't have red hair.

It hasn't been easy. And I still have another 50 pounds or so to go (we'll see). But I am *thisclose* to being the weight I was when I got divorced in 2008 and ballooned out of sheer depression.

I haven't really talked about that much, but yeah, I got divorced in 2008. I was married for 3.5 years to a man I thought I wanted to be with forever. I got married because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. After all, that's what my parents did, and they have an awesome marriage, so if I did that too, then my marriage would be amazing, right?

I don't even recognize myself.

Oh, how wrong I was. My ex-husband and I didn't live together before we got married and it was, suffice it to say, quite the adjustment. Couple that with sheer ignorance of how to be an adult on both our parts, and well, it wasn't a marriage. It was playing at marriage, with one stubborn-as-hell spoiled Mommy's boy (him) and one headstrong spoiled only-girl-in-a-family-of-all-older-brothers (me). It was a recipe for disaster that ended with him being angry and distant and me completely losing who I was in my desperation to be what I thought he wanted me to be.

I'm not sure why this has been on my mind a lot lately. It seems like so long ago, and like it happened to someone else. Maybe it was because I went back to my college alma mater this past weekend and felt like I had stepped into my past. I stood in front of my senior year dorm where I watched my roommate and the guy I loved kiss not 100 yards from me, no idea that I was there and saw the whole thing (right after my computer lost my thesis paper).

I went into the church on campus and remembered singing in the choir when I was a music major. I walked by where we met up for orientation and sat on the bench I had to rest on after I got the flu REALLY badly my freshman year and my mom couldn't come and take care of me.

I've grown a lot since then. I live alone. I have a good full-time job, I cook, I clean, I have successfully kept this silly Monkey alive for 9 years.

Yes, my last relationship didn't work out. But it's going to be okay. I didn't think it would be okay 10 years ago when I saw Mike and Jessica kissing, or 5 years ago when I finally had the guts to say out loud "I want a divorce". But it will be. It has to be.