Struggling.

Confession: I've really been struggling lately. I lost about 60 pounds last year (260-200ish) but have pretty much been staying around 200 since October or so. I don't know why I've stopped losing. Well, yes I do. I've stopped tracking my food, my exercise has died off (I was running like 3-4 times a week, now it's been two weeks without a workout and I'm supposed to do a 5K on my 33rd birthday in two weeks) and I am just ambivalent right now. And frustrated. I got on the scale this morning and it was up about five pounds, and I know it has to be water weight, but it made me tempted to resort to ED behaviors to combat my feelings on that.

I don't know if it's this winter or what, but I need spring to come soon. I miss the outdoors, I miss fresh fruit and veggies and farmers markets, I miss sunshine, I miss feeling good about myself. I feel like I'm just hanging on right now, waiting for warmer temperatures and all of this damn snow to melt.

come back to me, my love

It's back: FMM!

Haven't done one of these in awhile. So, here we go.

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this week’s topic!

Random Questions

1. Did you watch the Super Bowl?  If so, what was your favorite part?  Nope, didn't watch the big sportsball recital. I actually watched a whole bunch of episodes of FaceOff after I watched Puppy Bowl. And I fell asleep at the end of it. Oh well.

I may or may not be wearing a keyboard cat t-shirt today.

2. What is the weather like where you live?  Cold and we got dumped on with snow yesterday. And now they are calling for MORE snow, topped with ice tonight. Fannnnnnnnnntastic.

3. When is your birthday?  March 1. Less than a month!

4. Do you prefer sparkling water or flat water?  Flat. But I do like that fizzy flavored water stuff. Yum.

5. How many hours did you sleep last night? 6.5 or so. 

6. What is your favorite day of the week?  Saturday. I get to sleep, go to the market and see my brother and parents, and Saturday seems to be the night that I get to see the guy I'm dating.

7. If you had to choose between riding a bike or swimming, which would you choose?  Swimming. I LOVE SWIMMING.

8. How often do you eat red meat?  Not too often. Maybe once a week or so?

Though I do plan to partake of bacon cheeseburger dip this weekend. NOM.

9. What time did you wake up this morning? 5:45ish. Zzzz.

10. Do you have any goals for the week?  Get my homework done well and on time.

NBD, just rocking life.

Oh hey. I have a blog.

I'm still here. I haven't fallen off the wagon. Sure, I plateaued for about 3 months right around 203 pounds, but I made it through the holidays and guess what?

I'm under 200 pounds for the first time in 5 years. I'm wearing size 16 jeans, and a L/XL shirt. I recommitted on January 2nd and the holiday pounds have been coming off slowly but surely.

I feel AWESOME.

This is what I have been up to since my last post, in early October, starting from now and going backwards.

Holy crap, skinny jeans. Who am I.

And way back when, I said to myself that if I ever got below 200 pounds (and mentally added AND STAYED THERE), I would cut my hair.

So.

(This was actually early December, but I knew that the holidays were going to be a pain in the butt so I waited until last weekend.)

Before.

10 inches gone. I'm donating it to Children With Hairloss.

Straightened-ish.

Natural.

My friend Emerald got me hooked on Korean dramas and I have been binge watching them.

I've  been seeing a fantastic guy for about 3 1/2 months now. He's awesome.

I got my house all kinds of rearranged and even set up a home office in my front bedroom.

Because I've gone back to school and am working on my master's degree.

I had Ethiopian food and it was AMAZING.

I had an amazing brunch with my beautiful friend at the Hotel Hershey.

I had some amazing Korean food.

I baked a LOT over Christmas.

I ran an entire 5K with said beautiful friend in Virginia in early December. I may or may not have blasted the Rocky theme song from my cell phone.

I ran a Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving morning.

I did the Color Run in Baltimore in November with a group of fantastic ladies, including Holly from Mama Bear Blogs.

I took an archery class and have horrible form and need a better bra.

That's what I've been up to. I swear I'm going to try to be better about posting here.

This was in November, but apparently I forgot to publish it. Oops.

Oops.

I said I was going to be better about blogging, and then I went and got myself a life and that flew out the window.

Let's do some updating, shall we?

What I'm Up To:

Work

I work about 45-50 hours a week, and also wait tables on weekends at my brother's restaurant, so I'd say I work about 60-70 hours a week most weeks.

Oh, and my work approved me to enroll in graduate school, so starting January, I will be taking online courses to get my MS. Woohoo!

I am pretty sure that once I start up with grad school, waiting tables will have to go. Obviously I can't quit my full-time job, and I need to keep my health/fitness as a priority, so waiting tables is the only thing I can get rid of. It'll suck because the money and environment is so much fun, but my brother absolutely understands and is supportive of me getting more education, especially on my company's dime.

Friends

I go out with my friends usually at least once a week, and go on a date at least once a week (I have someone I am seeing but we haven't had THAT TALK yet, but it's no biggie. We're just enjoying each other's company and so yeah.)

Working Out

I did The Color Run in Baltimore this past Sunday with four of my best friends and it was the most fun I have had in a long, long time. They are amazing, especially my friend Beth who RAN THE ENTIRE THING. This is the woman who told me less than a year ago that she a) DOES NOT RUN and b) does NOT wear white in public. Then she started C25K a few months ago and I asked her to join the race again, and BAM. Her first 5K, and she rocked it. We are doing another one together in December, and I'm hopefully going to do an 8K with Holly the weekend after that.

Other than that, I am struggling with my workouts. The time change has really messed me up. I love to run outside. But with working 9-10 hour days, it's dark by the time I get out of work, unless I start showing up at work at 6am, and that is just NOT gonna happen.

So my options are to use the treadmill in my company's gym, which I have done a few times, but it is SO BORING. And the TV there only plays Fox News and you can't change the channel. I know. Ridiculous. I HATE the treadmill, ugh.

I could attempt to run outside at night, but that feels massively unsafe to me. The only well-lit areas that I am really aware of are not in the safest of areas. I may try running the local college campus, but again, I am concerned about safety. Do you have any night-running safety tips I can use? I wouldn't be running on a road, just on the campus, but still...

I've been taking Zumba classes when I can, but that doesn't always work scheduling wise, and the place I go is REALLY crowded sometimes and it's hard to concentrate on getting a good workout when you are trying not to smack the person next to you in the head.

And last but not least.... I won the giveaway on It's A Dog Lick Baby World for a free entry to any Spartan Race. I know, what the heck was I thinking? But I am going to attempt to do it, I just have no idea where to start. I have zero upper body strength. HELP.

Food

My eating has not been that great. I could make excuses left, right, and center, but really, I have just been lazy. I'm struggling with binging again because of stress, but I am trying to fight it. Luckily, I haven't gained any weight, but I haven't lost in awhile either. I'm holding steady at 202-205. I had hoped to be under 200 by Thanksgiving, but my discipline has just flown out the window.

I'm determined to enjoy myself in moderation during the holidays and have given myself a five-pound buffer. Come January, I'm going back to tracking and scheduling workouts, hopefully establishing a training schedule in order to prepare for the Spartan race.

Technical Difficulties

I have no idea why everything has disappeared from my blog.

What the heck is going on?

On 55 pounds lost.

This morning I weighed in at 204.6. According to my MFP sidebar, that puts me at 56 pounds lost.

Things that have changed since I have lost 55 pounds:

• I can shop at straight-sized stores again (though I don't really have the money to do so at the moment)
• I don't automatically hate every picture I see of myself
• My butt looks FANTASTIC from running (even if I've been majorly slacking lately)
• I don't feel like I am being judged for eating in public as much as I used to
• I'm not tired all the time
• My back doesn't hurt when I wake up in the morning
• Climbing a flight of stairs is nothing
• I'm getting positive attention from men and have been dating
• My grocery bill is lower because I buy fresh things and eat them before they go bad
• I sleep more soundly
• I feel more confident in general

Hand on the hip is surprisingly flattering. Too bad I don't have red hair.

It hasn't been easy. And I still have another 50 pounds or so to go (we'll see). But I am *thisclose* to being the weight I was when I got divorced in 2008 and ballooned out of sheer depression.

I haven't really talked about that much, but yeah, I got divorced in 2008. I was married for 3.5 years to a man I thought I wanted to be with forever. I got married because I thought it was what I was supposed to do. After all, that's what my parents did, and they have an awesome marriage, so if I did that too, then my marriage would be amazing, right?

I don't even recognize myself.

Oh, how wrong I was. My ex-husband and I didn't live together before we got married and it was, suffice it to say, quite the adjustment. Couple that with sheer ignorance of how to be an adult on both our parts, and well, it wasn't a marriage. It was playing at marriage, with one stubborn-as-hell spoiled Mommy's boy (him) and one headstrong spoiled only-girl-in-a-family-of-all-older-brothers (me). It was a recipe for disaster that ended with him being angry and distant and me completely losing who I was in my desperation to be what I thought he wanted me to be.

I'm not sure why this has been on my mind a lot lately. It seems like so long ago, and like it happened to someone else. Maybe it was because I went back to my college alma mater this past weekend and felt like I had stepped into my past. I stood in front of my senior year dorm where I watched my roommate and the guy I loved kiss not 100 yards from me, no idea that I was there and saw the whole thing (right after my computer lost my thesis paper).

I went into the church on campus and remembered singing in the choir when I was a music major. I walked by where we met up for orientation and sat on the bench I had to rest on after I got the flu REALLY badly my freshman year and my mom couldn't come and take care of me.

I've grown a lot since then. I live alone. I have a good full-time job, I cook, I clean, I have successfully kept this silly Monkey alive for 9 years.

Yes, my last relationship didn't work out. But it's going to be okay. I didn't think it would be okay 10 years ago when I saw Mike and Jessica kissing, or 5 years ago when I finally had the guts to say out loud "I want a divorce". But it will be. It has to be.

What I've Been Doing

Yes, I know I said I was back. But apparently I am full of it, because I then went over a week and a half without posting.

But I have an excuse! I've been getting a life! Seriously. I am in such a great place right now: great friends, happy with my job, and even dipping my toes into the dating pool, which has been surprisingly way more successful than I ever anticipated (or maybe I don't have very high expectations?).

Right now, unfortunately I have caught the Death Plague Cold (TM). Of course, I am heading to DC tonight to see some of my fabulous friends that I haven't seen since January, so this will be wonderful. I can't wait.

Other things I've been doing...

Getting Thai food with the fabulous Heidi.

Drinking tea and hanging with my best girl on a sick day from work (while looking at The Daily Corgi, because corgis = awesome)

Trying to sell crap like this on Craigslist (can't imagine why no one wants it...)

Hitting up the Greek food festival with friends Joe, Anthony, and Heidi.

Taking Bella for frozen yogurt.

Trying to figure out what the hell to do with eight pattypan squash.

Going to the Pennsylvania Renaissance Faire.

Taking pictures of bacon

Working at my brother's restaurant

Eating pumpkin funnel cake

Taking pictures of the last place I ran. I've really been slacking on that, and um, my first 5K is in oh, a week? Crap. Anyone have any good tips on how to be prepared to run a 5K when I haven't run in two weeks and am getting over a cold?