Kickboxing.

Last night I went to kickboxing for the first, hoping that a more intense workout would jumpstart my weight loss and get the scale to start going back down.

To sum it up:

I puked and then I cried.

The long version:

It started out okay. The class was small, only 7 other women in the class, an instructor, and her assistant. As we started out, I was like, "Okay, I can do this." I even let myself feel a little bit bad-ass for punching and kicking.

HOW I FELT DURING WARMUP

However, by the 10th time through the sequence? I was huffing, puffing, and pouring sweat.

HOW I FELT ABOUT 20 MINUTES INTO CLASS

By the time we got back to the sequence after doing jumping jacks (which, I must say, I NEED A BETTER SPORTS BRA, HOLY CRAP CHIN BRUISES) and punching the bags? I was dry heaving and had to run to the bathroom.

Came back out, and we did 20 seconds of jump-up-then-touch-the-ground-squat-things, then rest for 10 seconds. By the second one, I was dying. I couldn't keep going. I squinched my eyes shut and prayed for it to be over while desperately throwing my arms in the air, completely out of synch with everyone else, not even bothering to jump by then.

Then we got to the core work. Crunches? No problem. I can do crunches.

Then came planks.

I've seen planks done in plenty of blogs by girls with abs that I will never have, girls who do nothing but work out and make disgusting concoctions involving raw egg yolks and liver and other gross things.

NO

Anyway, the instructor got into the plank position, and I froze. My mind said "YOU CANNOT DO THIS." I said that I didn't physically think I could do it. My body froze. I tried to get my body into position and just... couldn't.

Yes, I cried because I couldn't do a plank. My body literally went NOPE and I said "I can't do this" to the instructor and she said DON'T SAY YOU CAN'T. I was able to do one twice for a few seconds but I lost it at that point, because it looks so easy and my body just wouldn't cooperate, and a huge rush of emotion came out of me.

When I was punching that bag and pretending it was my ex-husband's face and stomach and nether regions, I got SO MAD that I let myself get this far out of shape and fat. For believing that I was as worthless as he told me I was and behaving accordingly, thinking that I didn't deserve to treat my body well. Being fat isn't evil. I will always be a little bit fat, even if I lose 100 more pounds.

But not being able to do what my body should be able to do at 32 years old? That is completely unacceptable to me. My body will not function in a reasonable way that I want it to, and that is not okay with me.

One of the instructors had an ass my size. And she looked like a bad ass and I thought she looked AWESOME. And she was able to do EVERY SINGLE THING in that class. That's what I want. Forget the number on the scale, forget the pant size, I want to kick ass and take names. I want to be tough again.

Speaking of the scale, it was up this morning. I am incredibly frustrated. After I weigh in for the end of my current DietBet and the beginning of a new one, I am giving the scale to my boyfriend and telling him to hide it and not let me have it back until June 14th.

And I am going back to kickboxing next week. Even though my right knee is killing me and I am so tired today, I am going back. Because 9 women saw me lose my shit last night, and I am going to get through an entire class if it kills me. Which it very well may.

Friend Makin' Monday!

Who has two thumbs and needs more friends? That would be me. So, via Brooke: Not On A Diet, I'm participating in FRIEND MAKIN' MONDAY.

If you’ve taken part in FMM then you know the rules. If you’re new, please take a moment to answer this week’s question on your own blog then add your link in the comments section here at: www.alltheweigh.com so we can all see your FMM questions and answers. Please invite your blog readers to add their links here too so everyone has to opportunity to be seen. The idea is to connect with other awesome bloggers so take a moment to post your own FMM post and comment on a couple of other posts. Now it’s time for this ----week’s topic!

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Summer Fun

1. What is your favorite summer fruit? Cantaloupe! It reminds me of my parents and when it's all nice and juicy and sweet, it's just the BEST. My mom always puts a dollop of whipped topping on it.

(wtf, this is the only picture of it on Google Image? More people clearly need to eat it this way.)

2. Do you know how to swim? Yes, but I always hold my nose when I put my head under.

3. Do you prefer sun or snow? Depends: DO I HAVE TO GO TO WORK AND/OR DRIVE IN IT? I love snow, but I hate having to go anywhere when it's snowing. So I'll say that I prefer snow, with the caveat that I only love it when I don't have to drive.

4. What temperature do you like most inside your home? The boyfriend is a walking furnace, so it's always cold in our house. We've determined that 64 degrees at night is the perfect temperature for him to not sweat his butt off, and I don't freeze to death as long as I am under three layers of blankets and cuddle up to him.

Me at night.

5. Is it humid where you live? Yes, in the summer and I HATE IT. But the good thing about it is THUNDERSTORMS. I love thunderstorms.

BRING IT.

6. What is your favorite food to put on the grill? Steak. Mmmmm. Even though I don't own a grill.

7. Do you prefer to wear a one-piece or two-piece swim suit? Two piece. I like full coverage to the extent of wearing board shorts on the bottom, and I need a good halter tankini top to hold the girls up. Oh the perils of having a large rack.

8. What is your favorite summer drink? Moosehead Light Lime. Go ye and get some now. It's the perfect summer beer.

BEST. Also, does not taste like dish soap like Bud Light Lime does.

9. Do you prefer the pool or the ocean? The pool, forever. I love the ocean for the smell and the beach, but I am deathly afraid of jellyfish and seaweed getting wrapped around my feet/ankles freaks me right the hell out.

10. What are you looking forward to most over the summer? The 4th of July will be my 5th anniversary with the boyfriend, so I'm hoping to maybe do something fun that week with him, but I have no idea what to do or what I can afford.

Current book?

Current music?

Current outfit?

Current excitement?

Discouraged.

So I went to Zumba last night and was absolutely appalled at how fat I looked in the mirror. And that is being 45 pounds under my highest weight.

Then as class went on, and I was in the back corner, unable to see the tiny, peppy instructor, I realize that I was the fattest girl in the room. And I wanted to cry and leave and give up. Because even after busting my ass for the past six months and only losing 30 pounds in that time, no one had noticed that I've lost weight. Seriously. No one except my mother, who knows I'm trying to lose weight and always comments on my weight, regardless of if I am on a diet or not.

I wanted to post a happy entry about how I finally hit 30 pounds lost, and go over what I regularly eat, but that post is going to sit in my drafts folder until I can get past this current phase "Why bother?" And "what's the point?"

We're going down, down...

MY WEIGHT THAT IS.

Anyone else remember the song "Sugar, We're Going Down"? Well, there was a funny parody of it a few years ago:

ANYWAY.

Wouldn't you know, the combination of exercise, TRACKING MY FOOD (cannot emphasize this enough), drinking a metric shit-ton of water, and taking alpha-lipoic acid has resulted in losses on the scale.

(Source... if you don't follow this blog, you should)

SO yeah. It's been a good damn week, and I topped it off with going to a new Zumba studio this morning and getting my butt kicked in Toning class. My arms are going to HURT tomorrow. But it was worth it. Since it was my first class, it was free, but after class, I immediately signed up for a 10-class punch card for only $40. $4 per class? YES PLEASE.

On June 8th, I'm doing a charity fun walk for my local animal shelter.

(Source)

Since the love of my life is my dog (sorry, boyfriend!), as soon as I saw this, I had to sign up. My original fundraising goal was $100... so far, I'm at $285. If you want to donate, here is my FirstGiving page where you can make a tax-deductible donation. EVEN A DOLLAR WILL HELP. All proceeds benefit the York County SPCA. And if you do donate, you will get a postcard featuring beautiful art by my friend Melissa Keays, who did a gorgeous portrait of my beloved pooch. (Please email me with your address if you do donate so I can send it out to you!)

That's all for now. I have a cold. I'm going to cuddle up on the couch and watch bad TV.

Goal Update

So, I kind of slacked off the past couple weeks. I was still tracking my food, still exercising, just getting lax about it. After pretty much staying the same weight (hopping up and down a pound or two), I told myself to cut the crap and stop BS-ing. Track your food, Liz. Drink your water. Exercise. Quit half-assing it.

I also started taking alpha lipoic acid supplements. It apparently helps with your skin, which I can definitely use because it's just insulting to have grey hair AND zits at the same time, but it has also been rumored to help with weight loss.

So yesterday, with the aid of some of that squeeze-this-shit-in-your-water-to-make-it-taste-like-fruit-punch, I drank twice as much water as normal, started taking my vitamins and supplements again, and lo and behold, the scale was down to 233.6 today.

To quote one of my favorite bloggers-of-the-sea: WHO KNEW???

Also, this motivated the shit out of me yesterday. Give it a listen:

Inspired.

One: my Zumba instructor was doing something crazy last night in class that I absolutely was too fat to do, a yoga balance stretch lunge thing on the floor pose that is just NOT meant for fat girls with bad knees, and she was giving me shit (playfully) for not doing it. 

Then she said that a year ago, she couldn't do it at all, and that before that, there had been a morning where she woke up and couldn't walk at all (she has lupus and rheumatoid arthritis), so dammit, she was going to do as much as she could before that happens to her again. So now my goal is to get that damn pose down pat by the end of the summer.

(Source)

Basically, it was this, but even deeper and with no freaking hands. UM YEAH NO. But I will figure out how to do it.

The other was my friend H who came to Zumba last night. The last time I saw her, she was 97 pounds heavier. She looks AMAZING now, and is so much happier and says she FEELS so much better physically. And I am just all "IF SHE CAN DO IT, SO CAN I." Also, she writes romance novels and I think that is awesome.

Basically, I need to amp it up. I'm still losing weight, but I am taking it a bit too easy. I am going to try to focus on eater fewer carbs in the evenings and replacing my daily lunchtime yogurt with something a bit less sugary. Any suggestions?

Also, I am considering trying to start running. I must be on crack.

Hot damn, I did it again.

I made my DietBet! I got that scale back down with a pound to spare!

234.8 this morning. Working my butt off at Zumba Sentao, drinking a ton of water, and skipping dessert last night paid off!

And here's this month's picture:



And here's a comparison:



I am definitely starting to see the difference, especially in my hips/butt (GOOD).

Oh, and the weights are:
January 7th: 260.6
March 2nd: 247
April 1st: 241.2
May 1st: 234.4

Some fun facts:

Total lost/gained (since January 7th): 26.2 pounds
Average loss per week: 1.7 pounds
Amount from goal: 84.4 pounds (gah)
Number of weeks to reach goal at current rate: 49.6
Goal date: July 4, 2014
Number of weeks until goal: 61.1
To meet goal by July 4, 2014, I need to lose: 1.4 pounds per week


Mini-goals I have set for myself:
- 232 pounds by Friday, May 10 (a friend's wedding)
- <230 by May 18th (an event at a friend's house)
- 220 by July 4th